My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
