WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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