Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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