Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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