i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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