just come out here and I will go home with you...
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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