Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Randomize
