The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
