Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
The air was thick with penises
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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