you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
