i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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