If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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