everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
