Can i not drive my cunt home
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
