having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Just pee around me
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Randomize
