i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
It's blow job season.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
