I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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