Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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