last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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