OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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