3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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