I met the friendliest cop last night
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
