I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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