I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
