He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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