I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
