His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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