So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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