She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
