Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
