Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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