i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
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