hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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