Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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