I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
