he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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