you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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