you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
