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He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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