i just sent this text using only my big toe
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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