i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Randomize
