I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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