Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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