Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
