Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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