ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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