Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
