i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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