if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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