The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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