In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
