my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
