he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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