There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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