also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
