I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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