Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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