i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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